If you're going to wear a swimsuit, don't forget to hike up the girls

As swimsuit season creeps into northern Michigan, Average Josephine has been pondering whether or not to get a new one.

While the thought of buying a lovely new bikini thrilled Average Josephine 20 years ago, looking for beachwear has become more of a hideous chore in recent years. Therefore, Average Josephine has created a kind of swimsuit shopping leap year – something that only happens once every four years.

It’s not that Average Josephine has a problem with the idea of wearing swimwear. She is not shy and she also believes women of sizes have every right to put on their bathing suits and head for the pool or beach. However, as the years have passed in Average Josephine’s life, a flimsy nylon tankini is no longer enough to keep everything in place.

Shopping for a new suit can be also be pricey. And sometimes it’s hard to justify paying close to $100 for something that’s made from less than a yard or two of fabric.

So then comes the decision – fork out the extra money for a “slim” suit or just let it all hang out (literally).

The problem with the super-powered make-you-look two sizes smaller bathing suits is that they are not very comfortable. They can make you feel like a liver sausage. And yet, no support can be just as unbearable.

It’s at times like these that Average Josephine wishes should could find an investor for her million dollar idea: the swim bra.

Let’s face it, there are very few women who look better without a bra than with one. Yet, if you go to any public swimming area all you see is women without much support. Although bathing suits are supposed to have built-in bras, they don’t really work unless you’re an A cup.

A swim bra would hike up the girls. They could be made out of the same nylon as your swimsuit. Support that matches – what could be better?

A couple years ago, Average Josephine designated one of her bras as the swim bra. It’s black. She then bought a black tankini. The top of the swimsuit looks like a tank top, and for the most part, the bra is concealed. For now it works.

So take some advice from Average Josephine – before you spend a fortune on a new bathing suit, try finding an inexpensive bra that matches your current suit. Sports bras are good, too. You’ll look better, you’ll feel better, and you can relax better knowing your girls are taken care of.

Are you a leg man?

Just when Average Josephine thought she had recovered from the shock and awe surrounding the return of the skinny pant and its friend the legging, she realized that these items are now longer just for women. Now men can look just as re-dick-ulous! Average Josephine's only advice here, guys, would be some VERY supportive undergarment.

Christmas sweaters only look good on babies

The holidays are upon us, as are the onslaught of awful holiday-themed sweaters. The hideously vibrant knits that are usually adorned with shiny flecks or other beads actually seem to reproduce and multiply during this time year. Average Josephine is going to have to be the mean step sister today and look you in the proverbial eye and let you know that there is no appropriate time of the year to wear such an abomination. In fact, let's go out on a limb here: There is no holiday in which a grown woman should wear anything that depicts said holiday. No turkey sweaters, pumpkin sweaters, or July 4 tank tops.

Whenever Average Josephine sees themed clothing on adults, she can't help but think of those faux geese that come with a new outfit for each season. Instead of putting a goose wearing a Santa hat on the porch, you could just sit there yourself.

Save the Christmas sweaters for pets and babies. You can spend the money you save on a nice bottle of chardonnay.

The dumbest vest EVER

Average Josephine absolutely LOVES this season's menswear-inspired vests - so flattering! However, she could not believe her eyes when she came across this item.

Ladies, if Average Josephine ever sees anyone wearing this atrocity, she does not know what she'll do.

Is it a bra? Is it a vest for a very chubby child? Does it even cover the "girls"?

Goes to show, sometimes you can have too much of a good thing - and sometimes too little. 

To Gaucho or not to Gaucho....

Average Josephine was recently posed with the question - what should I wear with gaucho pants, flats or boots? Average Josephine couldn't help but flash back to her image in a dressing room mirror looking like she was standing in a hole.

Average Josephine reminds her loyal readers that clothes should be flattering to the figure. Therefore a gaucho with a high heel boot would probably be best - but be careful or you could end up looking like a Russian folk dancer.

White shoes after Labor Day?

As the end of summer nears, Average Josephine finds that she's being asked the same question - Is it okay to wear white shoes after Labor Day?

The answer, unfortunately, is not clear cut. It depends on the shoes. And the outfit.

Average Josephine advises to use great caution when purchasing white shoes - no matter what the season. It's just to easy too look like a nurse. Or a cafeteria worker.

That being said, a lovely white pant suit screams for lovely white shoes. Black stockings, however, do not. To be cautious, go high-end on this one, ladies. Cheap just looks cheaper in white.

Where is your waist?

A friend of Average Josephine recently said that her teenage daughter claims that a woman's waist is just below her belly button. The daughter taunted the mother for wearing jeans that came up to her belly button. Funny, Average Josephine always thought her waist was where her hips curved in (which is at about the belly button). Wasn't the ideal woman 36-24-36? If the daughter is correct, what would the new idea be - 36-36-36?

Average Josephine has thought the modern silouette was odd. Low-rider pants see to make legs look shorter and torsos look longer. Not to mention the big roll that low-riders create around most women's hips (waists?). Yuck. If the location of the waist is under debate, however, the muffin-top tire-woman look makes more sense.

American women need to unite! Let's take back our waists and cover up our cracks! Let's tuck the rolls back into our jeans where they belong. Average Josephine is starting her own trend - dignity jeans.